Monday, May 09, 2005

18 hours and counting

Miss This
Originally uploaded by audreytmv.
Weee! Yippee! Last night without my baby! Can't wait to pick up Zhuang at the airport tomorrow in my lil' Bug. Missing him more than ever, I'm just this strange, the closer it gets to seeing him, the more I miss him. So here I am, looking through things that I've written whenever I miss him too much and here's what I found. It's something I wrote while waiting at the Indianapolis airport after saying goodbye to Zhuang on January 29, 2005.

I hate airports - people cry at weddings and funerals, me - I cry at airports, even if I'm not the one who's leaving. I hate airports more than dentist waiting rooms - at least with the latter you know what's going to happen. I reason that my hatred from hatred is due to the fact that everything's so uncertain at airports. You know what your destination is, where you're supposed to be going but there's no guarantee that you'll get there - it's all in the hands of the pilot and his co - people that you don't even know how their faces look like. Think about it, why do they need so many shops in airports? So you spend all your time browsing and not sit around and worry about the uncertainty of your trip.

I miss Zhuang. I can't place my finger on what I miss about him, but I don't think it's dependence, although I can't deny that there is a part of me that enjoys the kind of dependence one gets in a relationship, especially when it's with Zhuang. He's the only person that I've been with that I can count on for anything and I trust him. I trust him, as much as I trust myself - always a tinge of doubt, and I don't think that's a bad thing either. But I guess that's always the more intelligent thing to do, to never trust someone or something 100%, just to avoid any chance of disappointment.

It's true when they say distance makes the heart grow fonder. I have to learn to not cry. I have to learn not to be disappointed. I have to learn to not expect, or worry. I try and convince myself that being apart will only do a relationship good because only then will you be able to know how much you enjoy each other's company. I once read, "You know you love a person when you need them because you love them, not love them because you need them.

I still hate airports, except when I'm picking Zhuang up, but even that, it's because I don't have to wait! Want hugs NOW!!



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