Audrey's Flops, Floaters, Flyers

It's summer in the U.S. right now, so I'm expecting a slew of bad movies to open every week. So which ones are going to be bad and which ones might make it past the trashy ones? Here's how I'm rating them. Three categories -- flops, floaters (meaning they might make it) and flyers (I expect to be jumping in excitement when I walk out of the cinema).

Flops: Stay Far Far Away
Fantastic Four
Cheesy names, bad actors, pretty boys and Jessica Alba in tight blue, lycra-looking suits with superpowers -- need I say more? When your trailer looks bad, I don't think there's much hope for the movie.

The Dukes of Hazzard

Dumb, dumber and dumber-er
Originally uploaded by audreytmv.

Hillbilly cousins Sean William Scott, Johnny Knoxville and Jessica Simpson apparently attempt to outwit the authorities of some middle-of-nowhere Hickville. *Rolls on the floor laughing* Outwit?! Jesus. You cannot get a DUMBER cast. Unless of course you get Bush to make a special guest appearance. This is going to be beyond bad, you would have to hire me as a film reviewer with an extremely high pay to watch this.

Herbie: Fully Loaded
Lindsay Lohan needs to eat. Then again, so does the rest of the La La Land population. But damn, Lohan recently is sporting the anorexic, "look-I'm-as-thin-as-a-hanger" look. The old Herbie was annoying on Disney Channel years ago, this one's not going to be any better. In case you haven't noticed, Lohan plays the same character in ALL her movies.

Dark Water
How many carbon copy remakes of Japanese horror films does it take before Hollywood finally realizes that it just doesn't work? There's no creativity in taking a foreign film and remaking it with American actors and an English script! Enough already! And, it's an insult to foreign cinema and movie-goers. What does this mean? That the English-speaking audience is not intelligent enough to watch a foreign film with subtitles? Or that the craft of Japanese cinema just isn't good enough for English-speaking audiences? Ugh.

Don't like Will Ferrell, blek
Originally uploaded by audreytmv.

Bewitched
Here's my theory: Nicole Kidman, like many women (including me), throw ourselves at every project to keep busy so we don't have to face our problems. Not like Tom Cruise was such a loss, but Kidman's got at least 3 movies out a year! This year alone, she's got The Interpreter and Bewitched and I think she's got Emma's War and American Darlings releasing soon. I'm totally fine with throwing yourself into work, but Bewitched is a complete waste of talent!

Floaters: Different folks, different strokes
Batman Begins

Told ya! Just add water
Originally uploaded by audreytmv.

I'm a lil' ambivalent about this one. My question is, why would such an accomplished group of people want to take on such a trivial movie? I'm sick and tired of comic-book-turned-movie movies, but this I have to see, just because of the talent that's involved in this film. Christopher Nolan's leading the pack as director and Nolan's done amazing things with Memento and Following, but why Batman Begins? And the cast! Gawd, a list of who's who. My top three favorites are: (1) Christian Bale, who plays Batman/Bruce Wayne, he was amazingly disturbing in American Psycho; (2) Gary Oldman hides behind a bushy moustache as Gotham City's only good cop and I can't say enough about Oldman, he's such a character actor! I mean, he's done Dracula, O.W. Grant in Interstate 60 (if you haven't seen this, you absolutely have to!) and of course, the Devil in BMW's Z3 (Z4?) promo video, The Hire; and (3) Michael Caine as the Master Wayne's trusty butler, Alfred. Why?? I'm expecting Katie Holmes to be a peripheral character in Batman Begins. Holmes is the resident damsel-in-distress, if you ask me, if you have to make movies out of comics, can we please have some strong female characters? I'm also expecting a Mary Jane-Peter Parker scene in Batman Begins ala Spiderman 1, the infamous close encounter wet kiss. From past experience, any movie that has way too many big stars usually suck. We'll just have to see about this one…

Explosion. Ewan. Explosion. Scarlett.
Originally uploaded by audreytmv.

The Island
This could be good. It's got an interesting story, a strong cast -- Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson. Djimon Hounsou, Steve Buscemi -- There better be a good twist at the end of the movie (and I already know that they are clones). Problem is, this movie's directed by Michael Bay, who also did Armageddon, The Rock, Bad Boys 1 and 2 and *gross* Pearl Harbor -- so there's going to a lot of explosions, lots of car crashes and well, more explosions. I might fall asleep watching this. I'm watching it coz I need to know the twist! And Ewan's soooo good looking! Hahaha....

The Brothers Grimm

Heath (left) & Matt (right) in bad disguises and bad hair
Originally uploaded by audreytmv.

I really want this movie to be good. Just because I grew up on The Brothers Grimm (not those pansy ass watered-down versions of fairy tales doled out by Disney) and until today, I'm still reading their dark tales. Unfortunately, this movie stars Matt Damon and Heath Ledger and they're apparently two con-artist brothers who are forced to fight the real evils of their stories when they come alive in their world. It's supposed to be released on August 26th, but there's still no trailer, which can only mean that they're having problems with production of the film. Monica Bellucci's in this too, but as usual, I think she's just going to hold her breathe, wear and tight corset and look pretty. A far cry from her Irreversible days.
UPDATE: Bellucci plays the evil queen who captures little girls to maintain her youth and the trailer is finally out. It's not on the official web site (actually, NOTHING'S on the official web site) but here is a link to the trailer: The Brothers Grimm (2005)


Flyers: All I need is popcorn and ice-cream!

Quirky and wacky, me likes
Originally uploaded by audreytmv.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Opens July 15th! I can't wait for this! I'm been waiting and waiting and waiting since I saw the teaser a year ago! I love Tim Burton and I have a life-size black-and-white poster of Johnny Depp smoking a joint in my room. And yes, I'm a hugeeeeee Depp fan, since 21 Jump Street! I love the older version of this movie, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with Gene Wilder playing the same role that Depp's playing. Who doesn't love the Oompa Loompas?! Apparently, there will be no Oompa Loompas in this new one though.


War of the Worlds

Cruise's take on the Blue Steel look
Originally uploaded by audreytmv.

I'm not a big fan of it's-the-end-of-the-world, the-aliens-are-attacking movies (except The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy – 10 stars!) nor am I a fan of Tom Cruise. But it is Spielberg, so I'm expecting a glossier version of Independence Day with more explosions and a million shots of Cruise with his signature I'm-the-reluctant-main-lead-look. Groan.